A Woman On A Mission

After (?) weeks of no blogging due to lack of inspiration I have come to the sad realisation that I have a lack of inspiration for a lot of things in life.  I have no passion, nothing that excites me to a point where I HAVE to do it just for the fun. Which to me is really sad. Everyone has something they’re passionate about I need to find mine and fast!

When I was younger after watching my first ever series of Americas Next Top Model I had dreams of becoming one. An international model/ Role model to my younger fans, someone who was an inspiration to many and the face behind one of those images that just took your breath away. As I am only 5’2 and a half I knew catwalk modelling was out of the question instead I dreamt of lingerie. Posing in those seductive pictures, hair and make up done to make me look immaculate, when I flashed my smile there was a pearly white neat set of porcelain veneers (that’s how you know I was ballin’ in my dreams) to dazzle the onlooker.  But I didn’t set off to seek this path reality kicked in and lack of confidence and low self-esteem held me back. The thoughts not being pretty enough always came to mind, that and the fact that I have no clue how to look seductive in front of a camera. Ha-ha I just freeze up and grin.

I was also interested in Event management; at one point I thought this was my career path and life choice. I wanted to organise great concerts for all the major artists and work on festivals like T4 On The Beach and Glastonbury. This dream also fell by the waste side after “planning” one event where the event organisers didn’t get to do much planning themselves as EVERYTHING about that course was for the artists, It was stressful ad overall not a great experience, I decided it wasn’t for me.

I wanted to be a Make-Up artist (something I am still very interested in) but this career choice was kind of rubbished and frowned upon as the courses are A LOT of money and at the time and now I still have no funds to enrol. Also I’m not a creative person and fear that I will waste all that money to have a fancy certificate and do nothing with it. It is a very competitive field and I don’t have an edge to help me stand out in the crowd.

I have settled with Accountancy as my career path.  I enjoy all things that follow a methodical pattern and routine and get really excited when a Trial Balance balances BUT I know this is not my passion. I want excitement, something I get to use my imagination etc. I guess as a Gemini that’s my two sides showing.

I have been drifting through life living day to day with no real goals until now. Since I have had Jaelyn and maybe a little bit before ever since I decided to become an accountant my head has been firmly screwed on. Because of her I need to be focussed and driven to achieve something, if not for myself then definitely for her hence the accounting. Self -doubts have always been what has held me back from anything and everything, even in school teachers were always saying “If she applied herself, she would do so much better” these times I was either too lazy or believed I was going to fail so didn’t bother. I need to find a way to remove these doubting things from my mind and believe in myself. Others do so why cant I?

Others have suggested becoming a Make-Up artist, a writer after reading my raunchy story (blushes), a journalist of some sort. But I lack self-confidence and really need to build it asap, I don’t want to pass this trait onto my daughter but as she is much like her dad I should have no problems there…

I’m going to pick up some old hobbies when I get a job and get back into Yoga and Pilates, since Jae has started nursery everything has stopped, I’ve even put on more weight which I’m not happy about and adds to the lack of self esteem issue. Maybe this will spark some lust and living back into my life. Its really sad when your clothes don’t fit but you have no money to buy new ones…yes the solution is Get A Job, I am looking so far I have had one interested company but they quickly withdrew when they realised I go to college one day a week. I believe everything happens for a reason something great will come along soon. (I hope)

Oh…there are two things I want to do but are not my passion (I don’t think), 1. Own a beauty salon/spa and 2. Own a successful nightclub. But these could change, I’m accustomed to saying I want to do something then changing my mind. We will see…

My Mission: FIND MY PASSION!!!

What is yours? (You might give me an idea to steal and pass as my own)


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